i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
