today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I did not marry a roomba.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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