If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she told me i tasted like america
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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