You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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