Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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