he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
