matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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