I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I want a musical about memes.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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