I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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