I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
