I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
