just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
