Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
