so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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