i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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