Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
