The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
