Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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