Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
