I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
