woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
