a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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