Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
