I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
