Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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