Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
