Will you blow on my dice?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
