how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
