Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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