as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
