have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
