my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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