Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
