It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
