I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
