the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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