soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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