Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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