i permit you to call me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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