Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
