Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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