I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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