Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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