Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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