I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
