I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
