It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
