cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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