is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
