A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.