I faked an abortion last night.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
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I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.