Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
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the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend