I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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