did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
