we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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