If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
