I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
