Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
