i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i would punch a child for taco bell
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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