My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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