I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
