U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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