Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
