Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
